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[11 Aug 2009|01:41am] |
i believe you will find
that im not going to be here waiting
when you realize
the mistake that you've made
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[10 Aug 2009|08:11am] |
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I never thought I'd
be in love like this
When I look at you
my mind goes on a trip
And you came in
and knocked me on my face
feels like in I'm a race
but I already won first place
I never thought I'd...
fall for you as hard as I did
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[04 Aug 2009|12:22am] |
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in the entire world
is there anything better
than rolling out of bed after an all nighter with a beautiful stranger
who happens to adore you
after a raucous night of partying with your best friends
old and new
prying yourself out of needy fingers
for an extended brunch with your best girl
and an eccentric but friendly waiter
who deserved that giant tip you gave
because you're still glowing from the sex
that shirt you've been lusting after for 3 months is marked down from 70 to 15
and you get THE LAST ONE
a day full of great conversation and girl love
topped off with a follow up dinner with the boy
who just so happens to be a completely ripped D-1 swimmer
and wants to make you his best girl, hook ups aside.
past and present collide
and beautiful accidents bring purpose
to an otherwise meaningless life
doesnt even matter that you've had 4 hours sleep for 2 days
and that your hand's fucked up
from something you did when you were drizzed off your ass
running on red bull, alcohol, and sheer force of will
while
still remembering those hands
in those places
where they went
and those pouty lips
on those places
where they
went
........
and nothing lasts forever
but this is now and fast and fun
and for once the stupid things really dont matter
as much as you always pretend they dont
the life lesson for this weekend
is that your entire reality can change completely
in a few string of drunken moments
but not exactly for.... the...
worse...
you wake up like you were drowning
gasping for air and breathing in
everything you never thought you knew you could have
realizing you wasted the past year of your life
in a haze of bullshit and abuse
and no matter what
no matter what
you cant hide the smile from those who know you best
love. love. love.
love. love.
love.
xoxo,
V
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[11 Apr 2009|04:04am] |
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god i cant stop eating lately.
i yearn for some semblence of peace unlike anything else.
the weekdays are a blur of class, work, film shoots, fights.
weekends are drunken revelries, new faces, laughs, dinner dates, more film shoots.
i feel the most secure and least secure i ever have in my life at the same time.
i'm home for the first time in more than 4 months.
it feels like everything and nothing has changed.
i don't know what's wrong with me,
but more than anything I wish i could just stop fucking eating.
seriously i need fucking hypnosis or something.
i mean i'm only about 141 but i was down to 131 and I fucking ruined it.
honestly why do i even give a shit?? all the time i've spent caring about my weight,
if i put it all together, i think it would be unfathomable.
i honestly feel like i've wasted all of my life so far because i'm fat.
because i'm not reaching my full potential.
the more i go on the more i think my mind is a really fucked up place
and i wonder exactly how i got like this
and if i could change it, would i?
starting TOMORROW i am really going to control myself.
this is rock bottom but i'm going to work my way back up.
there's still at least a month or two before beach weather
i have time. i don't need food.
god, why do we do this to ourselves???
the other day i was sitting with a guy friend.
we were looking at facebook and a girl with decent curves popped up.
he immediately said "that girl's body is VULGAR"
as in her curves are something disgusting.
where the fuck do standards like these even come from???
what the fuck is wrong with this world????
i HATE having to live my life like this... only feeling
good or useful or justified if the scale says a certain something.
and god knows i am only so focused on this because
my relationship is falling apart completely.
but what the fuck can i do really??
i can only love someone so much without getting anything back.
it's too hard to watch everything you know constantly change
and that that is exactly what life is about
it is reality that security is something we are never meant to feel.
i wish life was simple enough
that loving someone with all your heart
was enough to make it work.
everything is fucked up. everything is perfect.
look away from this train wreck/success story.
look away.
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[22 Jan 2009|03:07pm] |
last entry.........
oh my gosh.
something about being alone/lonely (are these the same thing?) just makes me like that.
well i guess Wong Kar Wai was right
"all lonely people are the same"
also, i think my parents make me a little crazy.
anywho i'm going to try to start living without fear
and doubt.
two useless things that hinder everything
1/26 is my year with eric.
1/30 ALC ball
<33333333333333333333333333333.
it's kinda scary how quickly time passes lately.........
doesn't matter if you're happy or sad.
it goes in the blink of an eye.....
i'm in love with everything right now.
hahah i'm starting to think i really am crazy....
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herman_melville's journal